I knew when I decided to embrace polyamory that it would be full of new experiences, both good and bad. I was excited by the idea of multiple partners – the freedom to love deeply but freely without hurting anyone – but equally feared how I would deal with the inevitable envy. This week I was able to stop questioning how I would feel seeing Simone with someone else, as soon as I met her for a drink with Daniel.
Daniel and Simone have been seeing each other for a long time now – certainly longer than she and I have been – and I know him well enough. Irritatingly, he’s a good bloke. I’ve enjoyed his gregarious company on the few occasions I have been out with him, and when Simone called to say they were at a local pub I took the plunge and ‘casually’ asked if I could join them. I guess this was the first point I was very conscious of being jealous – I left Sim all cosy in bed and had spent 8 hours in the office, whilst she had been out drinking (all day, as it turned out) with her beau. It was an all-too familiar twinge in the chest, immediately followed by graphic images of entwined flesh and an absolute certainty that I would die alone and unloved. (I know, I’m insecure. Perhaps I wasn’t breastfed.)
I quickly started thinking through a couple of the principles which are central to the polyamorous way and something remarkable happened – I smiled. Having first told myself that I should be happy that Sim was with someone who offers her something I don’t, I reminded myself that neither of us are possessions. I quickly found my thoughts, not moving away from the fact that Sim and Daniel were having sex, but rather about how I felt about it. I know how much they both enjoy one another’s company, and I also know that their relationship is very different from that which she and I share. It took away all the territorial competitiveness which has caused my jealousy in past relationships because for the first time it was not ‘him or me’. I got to the pub and after the awkward ‘should I kiss her hello?’ moment I had a great time. We chatted as three friends would, and I even enjoyed seeing Simone having a good time with him – a frubble, as I mentioned to in the previous post.
The thought of seeing someone and am seeing, and who I care about, (she even used the term ‘relationship’ last week...) enjoying the pleasures of someone else was probably my biggest reservation with living a polyamorous lifestyle and I’m relieved to report that it essentially felt good. It sounds so simplistic, but I care about Sim and I like to know she’s happy. I also love being with her and wouldn’t want to lose out on her company in the future. After meeting Sim and Daniel in the pub I have realised that rather than being threatened, both these eventualities are far more likely when we are non-monogamous.
So, tonight I’m on my first date since Simone and I started seeing each other which is pretty exciting, and almost certainly the subject for the 4th post!
2 comments:
So did you kiss her hello?
I found your blog via the polyamory group on Facebook, and being new to the whole polyamory thing, I'm looking for all the information/insight/other people's experience stories I can find.
My girlfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4-5 months now, and have spent maybe a month of that together in total. We get along great and all that, but about three or four weeks ago now she made it clear that she wasn't really feeling the monogamous relationship. I'm from a much more conservative part of the country than she is, and while I like to consider myself far more liberal than the average around here, I had never even stopped to consider the possibility of... an open relationship? A polyamorous relationship? Polyamory? I'm still new to the terminology.
So unfortunately after an ugly day or two of us talking, it occurred to me that I would rather try out new experiences and give the whole polyamory thing a shot rather than just cling to what had been spoon-fed to me my whole life (monogamy) and never question it. I googled, and I picked up a book (Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful by Anthony Ravenscroft), as that's sort of how I learn.
So anyway, all this is leading up to: I am new to the whole idea, but trying to learn and see as much as I can. At first I was hesitant, but the more I'm involved with it, the more excited I am about the possibilities. I am always in support of things being more natural, and less social-structured, and that seems to be just what a polyamorous lifestyle is about. Not trying to fit yourself to a social mold, but rather allowing yourself to feel what you naturally feel.
Reading just this post, I've been struck by how similar my experience has been. My girlfriend told me she already had two friends who were in an open relationship, and who she would like to get into a sort of involvement with. At long distance, it's harder to sort out all our complications, and I know a poly lifestyle is even more of a pain than a monogamous one as far as those inevitable relationship complications go, but my first response was (and is, sometimes) jealousy. I feel the same twinge you talk about, in chest and stomach. But when I really stop to think about it, it always goes away. I'm just hoping one of these days, it'll naturally just not occur, rather than me having to stop and think of why it's silly.
I found this page on google when I first searched for information: http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/jealousy.html It talks about giving up three major assumptions about relationships, particularly the idea that love is a scarce, limited commodity. Something we all know to be false, but have still been raised to believe, even if not explicitly told so.
Okay, I'll cut off here, but great story here and I'm going to keep reading your blog to try to hopefully garner what knowledge I can from your experiences. I hope you don't mind my long-ass responses/reflections on what you talk about - often I have found that while self reflection can lead to a lot of realization, thoughtful exchange of ideas can come up with even more.
Thank you for the comments - it sounds like we're both at a similar stage and hearing about other people's experiences definitely helps!
I think the twinge you're talking about definitely will become less strong with time - you may even start to feel something positive in their place - I have begun to and it's a great feeling.
I really enjoyed the atricle on Cat & Dragon, thank you. I'm almost certain it will be referenced in this blog for months to come!
Best of luck with the experiemnt, and I hope you get what you're looking for.
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