Tuesday 1 April 2008

What's in a name?

“That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

The polyamorous community often finds it hard to describe emotions which are common to the lifestyle choice but rarely, if ever, experienced by people involved in monogamous relationships. This became apparent last week, soon after starting this blog.

I have decided, for reasons I may go into at a later date (quickly summed up as a Very Ugly Breakup with Kate) to keep this blog private from my friends, most of whom are mutual, and many of whom would judge the choice to be poly. Simone, however, did read the first post and (being an egomaniac) my first question was what she thought of it. After a while she questioned my use of the term casual sex, feeling it was an inappropriate way to describe the past couple of weeks, and I knew she had a point. It may help to explain why if you understand what the past few weeks have entailed, as they have been far from casual…

We’ve dressed as Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre listening to extraordinary jazz here, seen superb burlesque music and eaten Springbok here and drank nothing but champagne at a 1920’s pajama party here. We’ve had amazing sex in every room of the flat (bar the kitchen – think scene 3 from Withnail & I and you’ll understand…) In fact, we’ve had sex in three counties! We’ve shared a bed every night and stayed up into the night talking a combination of sense and senseless bollocks. So why did I feel compelled to sum this up as ‘casual sex’!? I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I think it was because this is the term I instinctively turn to when describing non-exclusive sex.

One of the many issues facing the polyamorous community is one of language. The vocabulary we employ to describe sexual relationships has been developed within the context of a largely monogamous society. The concepts of ‘trust’ and ‘respect’ are rarely associated with polygamy in most people’s minds. Relationships described as ‘exclusive’ are automatically seen as more valuable, committed or loving than those which are not. The term ‘faithful’ has now become synonymous with monogamous, rather than simply trustworthy, dependable or honest. It is equally hard to describe certain feelings which polyamorous couples experience as the rest of society has either never felt them before or, certainly in my case, never felt able to talk about.

Take jealousy as an example. The green eyed monster is probably the first thing to be brought up by people when they are introduced to the concept of non-exclusive relationships and it is certainly a valid point. The feeling I would have had when thinking about previous girlfriends having sex with someone else are vastly different to those I expect to feel when I am confronted with the same situation in this context. A word which has been used to describe the feeling in poly circles is a wibble - the temporary feeling of insecurity when seeing a partner being loving or close with another of their partners. This is coupled, however, with a frubble - the feeling of warmth and happiness when seeing one of your partners getting on well with one of your partners or one of their lovers. OK, they may sound like characters from Fraggle Rock, but it is development of words and ideas of this kind which will enable people to talk openly about polyamory in a context which people can understand, and ultimately catalyse the acceptance of this lifestyle in wider society.

A few days ago Simone compared polyamory today to homosexuality in the earlier 1900’s. It is hard for most of us to imagine that it was not only taboo, but illegal to be homosexual in England before 1967, and 13 years later in Scotland. There has been a sea change of public opinion and understanding since the 1900’s – the 1960’s even - with same-sex civil ceremonies becoming legally recognised in December 2005, a century after Oscar Wilde was released from the 2 years hard labour which ultimately ended his life. The only way to overcome ignorance is via education, and shifts in grammar are often cited as a significant aspect of the empowerment of homosexuals in the UK. The adoption of words such as ‘queer’ and ‘fag’ by the gay community has relieved them of their stigma. Meg Barker, a lecturer at London’s South Bank Uni, suggested in a recent paper that the polyamorous community reclaims a word of their own, encouraging a step towards social acceptance. So here goes.

I’m a slut and proud!

3 comments:

Jenny B said...

This is so true. I just finished writing a book on polyamory and one of the most difficult issues was finding the "right" words. Have you read "The Ethical Slut"? It does a great job of reclaiming the word slut while explaining how polyamory can work. I did notice you used the word polygamy at one point in your post, was that intentional? And what about the spelling of denial, you use "denile" instead, any reason?

Thank you for writing this. I so enjoyed reading it!

Wishing you all the best,
Jenny Block
Author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage"

www.jennyonthepage.com

its playroom said...

Thanks for the comments Jenny - embarassingly the typo in the title was exactly that! By polygamy I guess I meant nonmonogamy (what a clunky word!) but a good point. Guess I'd better start proof reading these things hey!?

Stephen

Phoenix said...

Hey there! I'm new to the concept of polyamory, and i think i'd be right in saying that i have the potential to be polyamorous- the only stumbling block there would be my ability to get along so well with that 'green eyed monster'! :-)

Anyway, in ur post, you mention homosexuality laws. Here, in India, Homosexuality is STILL illegal! Though it is very openly flaunted of course. In India, it is facinating and also sad, to see the vast difference between the law, and the type of people the law caters to. Society here is far more advanced than our laws!