I have always been a serial dater. At 27, all of my last 4 girlfriends one may refer to as 'serious' – they all lasted a couple of years, I have never been unfaithful (not even a wayward snog), I met and pandered to hoards of grinning relatives and, most recently, a girl named Kate and I even shared a flat. Just the two of us. All the time.
I don’t want to sound as though I wasn't happy – at times I was blissfully so – but I often thought I wasn't ready. When I slid into bed at night I could practically smell the Glade plug-ins gently neutralising the odours caused by our two bounding dogs, mischievous but loveable children and the faint linger of lager following my monthly curry Thursday with the guys (“Well you did have five cans of Carlsberg, Darling....”) and it made me Very Nervous.
I can’t define the problem with our relationship, and believe me the breakup would have been a fucksight easier on us both if I could, but increasingly there was a nasty niggle in the back of my mind. Although I was essentially happy, I couldn’t picture myself with her in 10 years’ time and so I thought it best to knock it on the head. I can already hear the committed-and-blissfully-happy brigade sighing and rolling their eyes, pitying my immaturity, my fear of commitment, and lamenting the shrivelled soul I will perpetually drag in my wake – at least until I grow a pair and settle down. Indeed these very thoughts enjoyed a couple of months’ permanent residence in my mind prior to my breakup with Kate but that is beginning to change, which brings me neatly to Simone.
I have known Simone as a friend for over 2 years, and have been living and having casual sex with her for the last 2 weeks. She’s a total one-off; deeply intelligent, fiercely independent and fucking gorgeous. Very few people can boast an Oxbridge eduation and success modelling - it’s a compelling combination! Simone had always fascinated me, both intellectually and sexually, and during our friendship she has introduced me to a lot of new ideas, including polyamory. I listened to the way she approached her relationships and it excited me; having one’s cake and eating it, the security of a loving relationship without sacrificing the thrill of a first kiss, touch, blowjob – Oh brave new world!
This did not stop me reacting as most people do, questioning how one would deal with the jealousy, trust issues, competitiveness... I also vehemently defended the beauty and virtue of my relationship with Kate, though the words leaving my mouth did not somehow ring true, at least in the ears of the speaker.
This has brought me to the point. The point is that with Kate, and all my previous girlfriends, I felt like I was living out a story which was, to an extent, pre-written for me. Everyone knows that you should fall in love and get married. Hollywood has patiently explained that there is nothing in life more important than meeting 'the one' and falling in love, that extra-marital sex results in sad, soft-focus montages featuring wet eyes and torn photographs, and that those who enjoy a varied sex life past the age of 22 are emotional cripples just moments away from a Valuable Lesson.
Personally, I’m undecided. I don’t know how I will react when Simone brings someone else home for the first time, nor whether or not I’ll be able to keep my mind on the task in hand should I find someone new in my bed! If the past 2 weeks are anything to go by there will be a lot of highs during this phase (weeks, months, years!?) but I can only assume I’m going to struggle too and I hope that in putting digital pen to paper I hope to achieve two things. Primarily it is a selfish undertaking – I would like to write, read and rewrite how I’m feeling in the hope to better understand and deal with it... Also, I hope that some people may read this and question some of the 'known truths' which influence not just their relationships but many parts of our lives whether it’s work, family or their love life.
According to Jean-Paul Sartre “Everything has been figured out, except how to live”. I guess that’s true, and I’m positive it’s a good thing. As soon as someone stops worrying about how they should behave they can focus instead on their true motivations which has to be a good thing. Once the rest of society does the same then they may even be able to talk about it.
