All of my previous posts have been written with a specific topic in mind, always stemming from some minor crisis which have beset my mind during the course of this poly adventure. This may explain why the posts have not been particularly forthcoming of late – everything is going very well.
Simone and I are in love, and have told one another so. And not just when we're drunk or apologising, but during normal, everyday situations. It's most gratifying. "I'm in love with you" is an unusual collection of words, and one which can have such an impact on both the speaker and the listener. It can, in one fell swoop, feel like you've discovered an Achilles' heel, and have been given the armour to cover it.
We also met a poly couple who are over here from the US for supper, which was great fun, and the first time I have met and chatted to another poly couple in the real world rather than online. We went to a fabulous Gypsy Jazz bar in Battersea (South London) and sat chatting for a few hours about ourselves, their travels plans, poly etc. It may sound strange, but this was the first time I have discussed polyamory as if it is a normal thing to do - in the past I have either been justifying the choice, discussing the issues or writing this 'ere blog. I really enjoyed it and am looking forward to doing more of the same in the future.
Finally, and this is a strange one to feel positive about, but hear me out... Earlier this week I had been planning to go out with Charlotte, someone I met through work a couple of years ago and have been seeing recently. That morning, lying in bed, Sim had a jealous moment – the first I have witnessed. She was honest about the way she was feeling (not something which comes naturally to either of us), but insisted that I not change my plans for her. In the end I didn't see Charlotte, not because Sim didn't want me to, but because I didn't want to anymore. I would far rather discuss the why she felt that way and see if we can work through it before Charlotte and I see each other again.
One of my fears up to now has been a common one in relationships; that I would be more hurt if Sim and I were to break up. Thinking about it, this may be another way to say that I thought Sim was more likely to end the relationship than me. The more I think about this, however, the less rational it seems. Primarily, I have no reason to believe this was the case other than my own insecurity, and I think the paragraph above reflects this. Furthermore, even if this was the case, what's the point in worrying about it!? Indeed, worrying is probably an effective way to increase the likelihood of this actually happening! Ultimately, I think it's good to feel a bit jealous and a bit insecure at this stage in a relationship - it suggests that we have something great, something we value, something we'd be sad to lose.
So – in summary life is peachy! I'm in love with a wonderful woman, I feel more secure than I have in a long time and, well, it's nearly summer. What more could one ask for!?
12 comments:
Our experiences seem to continue paralleling each other. My own primary girlfriend recently expressed some feelings that sound similar - something like, while she enjoys the polyamorous lifestyle and would prefer things work between us like that, if it started to seem like other people were coming between us, she would be okay abandoning it to monogamy again. While the idea of re-subscribing to strict, socially-prescribed monogamy seems kind of absurd anymore, having sort of glimpsed the promised land now, it still made me feel good (in a way that I can't help but feel is actually detrimental to achieving real pure polyamorous outlook) to hear it.
As to your comments about fearing that she would break things off with you, I've thought about that a lot as well. One of the things I found to be most strikingly silly about the thought was that it almost requires monogamy to even be considered. The idea that the significant other would break off a relationship (presumably b/c someone better comes along?) requires that being with the other person is mutually exclusive to being with you (or me, as the case may be). However, that's just not the way the game is working these days.
And I absolutely agree with the idea that worrying about the thing is only going to make it more likely to happen. I've always been one to not worry about something until it's a reality. Stressing about stuff that could or could not be a problem in the future is really just making yourself new problems in the present.
Keep on fightin' the good fight!
Hi Jonny - thanks for the continued interest in the blog.
I'm not sure I agree with your comment that "The idea that the significant other would break off a relationship... requires that being with the other person is mutually exclusive to being with you."
Surely a poly relationship can end simply because someone doesn't feel it is working anymore, not just because they have started a monogamous relationship with someone else?
I think one of the many hard parts of polyamory is going to be explaining to someone that you don't want to see them anymore. Monogamous relationships may end becasue one party feels that one small aspect of their needs are not being met, and are not going to be. In poly relationships that need may be fulfilled by someone else, which would indicate that one party no longer wants what they have been getting from the relationship.
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength."
Seems to be a common theme. However I wonder, when one is experiencing the pain that can be caused by betrayals of trust in relationships (which can happen in mono as well as poly relationships), if there is any cure to worrying?
It's a good question, Elaine, and one which I think comes down to the security/confidence of the people in the relationship.
It's an oft-repeated adage that trust takes a long time to gain and a minute to lose, but I know a number of people whos partners have given them ample reason to mistrust them but they have worked through issues and are in committed and trusting relationships now. Equally some of my friends have never been given a reason not to trust a partner, and yet never have!
Hey play
You know, I hadn't really considered that. It does seem much more sinister, the breaking of a polyamorous relationship. I suppose the shift in me with all of this has lead me to move away from seeing relationships as either on or of, as is often the case in monogamy. I figured if a polyamorous relationship is moving toward separation, it would be much more natural - the two just drift apart, or perhaps to a less-involved state of friendship. Barring, of course, situations where the two are living together or that sort of thing.
But of course, there are always situations where one is more into the relationship than the other... I don't know. In any case, didn't mean to suggest that was the ONLY reason for a relationship ending, I guess I just perceive it to be the most prominent reason to experience that sort of... anxiety about the relationship unexpectedly ending. Or, at the very least, it's the reason that comes to the fore front in my own experience!
Just found your site through Google - you might be interested in the article I just wrote on Polyamory: http://shanegreenup.blogspot.com/2008/09/stranger-in-strange-land-love-vs.html
I'll have to have a read through some of your posts :)
i suppose sometimes it's easier to think about what's going wrong than it is to reflect on what's going well. when it's going well we want to just be inside the moment. but to pause, and say, hey, this is going well, is powerful tool in helping move us and those around us along the path. good to hear things are jolly.
Just noting that you haven't posted for a while. Is that it? Is everything all tidy and needs no mention?
Hi, just thought I'd let you know I've found your blog both inspiring and comforting- I'm new to Poly, so new in fact you could see I'm teetering on the edge of diving into the Poly pool having just got my toes wet. It's a very confusing and messed up time, considering I am in a previously very monogamous, very committed relationship!! It's been endlessly helpful to read both you and your readers' (ie. Johhny G and Elaine) thoughts and comments and have that food for thought. So thanks for deciding to write "this 'ere blog"- and please keep going!! I have come across this months after your last post. There are probably many people who are still keen to hear from you. But aside from that, thanks for everything you have already written. It's fabulous and I'm sure you've helped many people.
Great post. I love that you considered your wife's feelings and such. I too am moving poly with my mate. Maybe you would like to read about my Second, First time.
Odd to make love to another man with my ring on and my love running deep for hubby
http://jujumama.wordpress.com
Bliss to you!
xoxoxo
Jujumama
Hi poly blogger,
You seem great and full of charisma. Can I interview you for a feature I'm writing on polyamory? You could, of course, remain completely anonymous. If you, or anyone else reading this is interested, please let me know.
Jess
yes, and now?????? dying to know.
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