One of the issues which seem to come up a lot in other poly blogs/forums is that of boundaries. When I first started considering a polyamorous relationship, I had recently ended a monogamous relationship which I had started to find oppressive. A great number of things drew me to polyamory, and one of these was the idea of a relationship with fewer boundaries – the freedom to exist as an individual rather than half of a couple, but still enjoy the intimacy of a truly loving relationship.
Well, the past week has thrown up a few questions in my relationship with Simone which has made us, for the first time, address the question of boundaries and their place in our relationship. Polyamory is a bit of a strange one when it comes to boundaries and restrictions. As the rules by which one lives one’s relationship have been self-determined, rather than dictated by state, church or society, there is the impression that more freedom is afforded. That said, polyamorous relationships are just as loving as their monogamous counterparts (a fact lost on, or simply not believed by, many people learning about polyamory) and therefore total freedom is not always an option as some decisions you make could hurt your partner. What makes this harder is the fact that there is no ‘rule book’ as there often is in monogamous relationships – please refer to any romantic comedy ever made should you need a refresher on these.
Simone and I have agreed that, especially at this early stage in our relationship, boundaries could be really useful. As our relationship develops and we grow to know and trust one another even more these may become unnecessary, but for the time being we have agreed the following:
- If we’re going to be in a situation which could become sexual we tell each other, and if the other has a problem with it, we discuss it
- If we’re seeing someone and it feels like an emotional attachment may develop, we tell each other, and we arrange to meet the other person when it is appropriate
- If we're out and we kiss someone, we tell each other the next day (if they were very hot, we’re also allowed to boast about it...!)
- If, at any point, we feel that the rules are not working for us, we talk about it
We also said that we would be 100% open and honest about how we were feeling about one another and our relationship, regardless of other partners. Though this may sound like an obvious one, indeed one which I would have claimed to have been true in previous relationships, I don’t think it has always been the case. Often I would sit on a problem for a month, and the relationship would suffer a little, before I was ready to discuss it. In being open, often even before we have figured out exactly why we feel uncomfortable and what we want to do about it, we can be far more sensitive to one another’s changing needs which I think is particularly important in a relationship where needs aren't necessarily fulfilled by Sim or me!
One of the greatest appeals of being poly was the freedom it seemingly offered, and now that I am in a poly relationship, I can confirm that I do feel more myself than I have with past loves. I am more able to speak my mind, be true to myself and live as an individual. The slight irony is that we have actually chosen to set up boundaries and actively chosen to restrict the freedom we want to protect. At least it was our decision, and only our decision to do so.
One final rule which I suggested was topless Wednesdays, but Simone thought it a bit of a non-starter. Always thought she was a bit of a prude.
9 comments:
(formerly nosferotu here)
It's eerie how similar our experiences seem to be, with the slow progression of internalizing and realizing the intricacies of this polyamory thing.
I've just recently come into my second 'relationship' with another girl who is also very new to the polyamory lifestyle, has a primary boyfriend herself, and we are both virginal at the whole second-relationship thing. At the same time, me and my primary girlfriend (if that would be the right term to use here) just had a chat literally two days ago, essentially laying down the same rules that you seem to have put down with Simone. Not verbatim, but the idea is the same - be open, but also make sure there is open communication, and it's better to ask first than beg forgiveness later.
I'm also reaching the point where I feel that the boundaries, while much more expansive, are starting to come into focus a little more. I hadn't thought too much about it, but you're very right that while it does afford a much higher degree of personal freedom, it's not complete by any stretch of the imagination. One of the things I foresee as a potential challenge is just balancing the pursuit of polyamory but not allowing myself (as I think could be easy to do) to fall into simply maintaining multiple shallow-level relationships, instead of pursuing real human connection. I absolutely agree that polyamorous relationships are as loving as monogamous, if not MORE so, because the individual is allowed to pursue love in a more free and open fashion rather than stifling it. However, it's also going to take a lot more work, and falling into the easy road of not getting as close with each individual you are involved with can seem a tempting mistake to make.
And I like the topless Wednesday rule. Maybe I'll give that one a shot myself.
By the way, noticed the link to Regina Spektor. LOVE her music. Saw her live a few months ago - it was incredible. Just her and her piano.
You know, upon further reflection, I find myself thinking about the balance of privacy in multiple relationships. In a monogamous relationship, it was always easy to determine whether or not something was fair game for someone else to ask about - if my girlfriend has a secret and my friend is asking about it, my loyalties would lie with my girlfriend.
In a polyamorous situation, I may have multiple relationships. And while there are naturally going to be inequalities in the strengths of individual relationships, how that all balances out is something I'm having a hard time sorting out my sort of moral stance on. An example: If me and my... secondary?... secondary relationship partner sleep together for the first time, is it appropriate for her primary boyfriend to ask about this? And how far is it appropriate for him to ask - do I have to feel like anything that happens between us is open for scrutiny by him? Or is there a line between him asking "Have you had sex?" and "What position?", and do I have a right to expect her not to answer perhaps the later question.
Similarly, does she have the right to expect a level of privacy from even my primary relationship partner, such that I may tell the primary partner that we have slept together, but not go into gory details. I suppose these are all things that need to be talked out, as just expecting everyone to have the same natural boundaries in THIS fashion is probably absurd... but issues of loyalty and trust are things that have always been big to me, and sorting out where the line is between what is appropriate or inappropriate to expect privacy on in a secondary relationship seems difficult to sort out.
These are so fascinatingly "things that need to be talked out," as you said. And what I (a bi-sexual married woman with a secondary-partner, a girlfriend) find fascinating is how these "boundaries" even come up. It's been discussed how these relationships, as we get into them, are viewed by us in them as extraordinarily freeing and open, and I particularly appreciated the comment from the bloggist along the lines of, "Hey, this was supposed to be freeing, yet here we are forming boundaries, and yet - we ARE the ones forming the boundaries ..." And I agree that this is the epitome of "freedom" in relationships after all. The openness to "be oneself," no farcing, no hiding, no wondering 'how to tell' another person, but focusing instead on the bravery of just "coming out with it" - communicating constantly, even when things go wrong in some way. Hmm...I'm sure I could continue rambling ... but I'll stop now ...
It's interesting to me how tempting it is to view freedom and boundaries as sitting together uneasily. If you take the existential perspective that "Every man is condemned to freedom" (Sartre) I think it is possible to see them as inextricably linked.
Rather than looking to an external set of relationship rules (which arguably could allow you to absolve yourself of responsibility for the moral values guiding your choices - although in choosing that set of values you would have exercised your freedom to choose them despite the fact you may deny the choice), poly pushes us to take ultimate responsibility for our actions and their consequences because we accept that we have the freedom to create the moral values, boundaries and norms by which we live.
It's much easier to deny our freedom and understand the world and its norms as fatalistically innate, but in my view far more exciting, rewarding, and authentic to grasp hold of our freedom and make our own, very personal, choices including the rules and moral codes we put in place to protect ourselves and others.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am working through boundaries with my monogamous partner who I love dearly and experiencing many of the same issues. Many thanks for letting all of us know we are not alone!
To continue with the idea of boundaries in even a poly relationship, I see exactly where you are both coming from with the idea that freedom does not mean 'no boundaries', but rather means having the space to create your OWN boundaries, that you find comfortable and fulfilling to you. It's absurd to think that we could exist completely without them - rules, boundaries, laws, these are the things that act as adapters to allow vastly different people to interact with each other in meaningful and mutually understood ways.
Hopefully, of course, if you're coming into a relationship with someone, there is already a fair bit of similarity. However, it would be futile to expect people to inherently have the same basic expectations for even the most common of interactions, nevermind something as complex as a romantic relationship with another human.
I suppose it's not unfair to say that society offers us a pre-made set of boundaries that we are welcome to use (and, yes, often encouraged strongly to use) in the monogamous relationship - polyamory just involves rejecting that template, laying the field bare, and starting up your own.
Dear writer,
I came across your blog via a link posted to the MySpace group entitled My Polyamorous Friend: http://groups.myspace.com/polyfi
I read several of your posts (March 27th through the current) and I should like to talk to you about your thoughts and experiences regarding polyamory. Consider me to be someone on a knowledge quest.
Hi Kira,
you can email me at itsplayroom@gmail.com and I'd be more than happy to help you on your quest!
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