One of the issues which seem to come up a lot in other poly blogs/forums is that of boundaries. When I first started considering a polyamorous relationship, I had recently ended a monogamous relationship which I had started to find oppressive. A great number of things drew me to polyamory, and one of these was the idea of a relationship with fewer boundaries – the freedom to exist as an individual rather than half of a couple, but still enjoy the intimacy of a truly loving relationship.
Well, the past week has thrown up a few questions in my relationship with Simone which has made us, for the first time, address the question of boundaries and their place in our relationship. Polyamory is a bit of a strange one when it comes to boundaries and restrictions. As the rules by which one lives one’s relationship have been self-determined, rather than dictated by state, church or society, there is the impression that more freedom is afforded. That said, polyamorous relationships are just as loving as their monogamous counterparts (a fact lost on, or simply not believed by, many people learning about polyamory) and therefore total freedom is not always an option as some decisions you make could hurt your partner. What makes this harder is the fact that there is no ‘rule book’ as there often is in monogamous relationships – please refer to any romantic comedy ever made should you need a refresher on these.
Simone and I have agreed that, especially at this early stage in our relationship, boundaries could be really useful. As our relationship develops and we grow to know and trust one another even more these may become unnecessary, but for the time being we have agreed the following:
- If we’re going to be in a situation which could become sexual we tell each other, and if the other has a problem with it, we discuss it
- If we’re seeing someone and it feels like an emotional attachment may develop, we tell each other, and we arrange to meet the other person when it is appropriate
- If we're out and we kiss someone, we tell each other the next day (if they were very hot, we’re also allowed to boast about it...!)
- If, at any point, we feel that the rules are not working for us, we talk about it
We also said that we would be 100% open and honest about how we were feeling about one another and our relationship, regardless of other partners. Though this may sound like an obvious one, indeed one which I would have claimed to have been true in previous relationships, I don’t think it has always been the case. Often I would sit on a problem for a month, and the relationship would suffer a little, before I was ready to discuss it. In being open, often even before we have figured out exactly why we feel uncomfortable and what we want to do about it, we can be far more sensitive to one another’s changing needs which I think is particularly important in a relationship where needs aren't necessarily fulfilled by Sim or me!
One of the greatest appeals of being poly was the freedom it seemingly offered, and now that I am in a poly relationship, I can confirm that I do feel more myself than I have with past loves. I am more able to speak my mind, be true to myself and live as an individual. The slight irony is that we have actually chosen to set up boundaries and actively chosen to restrict the freedom we want to protect. At least it was our decision, and only our decision to do so.
One final rule which I suggested was topless Wednesdays, but Simone thought it a bit of a non-starter. Always thought she was a bit of a prude.
