This week I went on a date with a colleague which, as one might expect, threw up another fistful of ‘firsts’. Her name’s Jess, and she works upstairs – we’d never really spoken before, just the odd glance and ‘hello’ as we passed in corridors. She caught my eye soon after I started working here which is nothing new – who honestly doesn’t feel a sexual tension with someone at work!? The difference in this instance was that I could actually do something about it! We started chatting on Skype (I know it sounds old fashioned, but I never thought I’d arrange a first date through a piece of software...) and arranged to go out for a drink.
The first thing I noticed was that I was much calmer than I would ordinarily have been – the usual awkwardness – laughing too hard at jokes, asking idiotic questions, getting caught staring at her chest – was replaced with something all together different. In the past when I have dated I guess the underlying question has always been ‘could this work out?’ Once you start asking the question I guess a pressure develops and you may start to notice small things which put you off a person, and as a result miss out on many of the great qualities they may have.
This is not to say that I wasn’t questioning if it could work out with Jess. In fact as I am diarising all these experiences I was more conscious of the question. What I noticed was that I was far more able to relax and enjoy Jess’ company. That is not to say that, were I still looking for a monogamous relationship, I would not want to see her again – we had a great night together – but rather that I had a better time, and am more likely to spend time with Jess as a result of my relationship with Simone.
The other first I had to overcome was telling a date that you're already seeing someone and that, not only do they know you’re out on a date, but they’re cool with it. Half expecting her to lose interest and make her excuses 10 minutes later, I was pleasantly surprised by her reaction. She was, at least outwardly, really interested and wanted to know more – who am I seeing, don’t I get jealous, is it exciting – most of the questions I asked when Sim introduced me to the idea. Although she said that she didn’t think it was for her, she didn’t seem to think differently of me because I am seeing other people – we even had a lunch date yesterday which was a pleasure.
All in all the experience has been great – I had a fun night out and will see Jess again in the future. I’ve also had a real boost to my confidence when it comes to talking openly about polyamory.
4 comments:
It's always been my experience that when I've been in a relationship, it suddenly gets a lot easier to be relaxed around chicks that I'd like to make a good impression on. I think it relates to the general push of relationships in society - for one reason or another, we all HAVE to be in one. So once you are already in one you're happy with, if it works out with ANOTHER person, then great, but if not, no sweat. You've still already got someone to be happy with, and there will be others down the road.
One of the things that's been hardest for me to wrap my mind around so far has been the blurring of a definite 'relationship' line. There is a certain assumption that there is a 'monogamous line' that distinguishes just fooling around or having a good time from a real honest-to-god relationship. When that line is taken away, you really start to wonder about the value of certain forms of interaction, and really start thinking about the gray areas that were previously all summed up in that single line. What made me think of this is while you were talking about Jess' reaction to hearing you were already seeing someone, I wanted to ask if the questions seemed more like she was still interested in you, or if she was sort of writing you off to the 'friend zone' that is so often talked about by comedians and sitcoms. But with the concept of an open relationship, one starts to wonder how distinguishable that 'friend zone' is from a relationship anymore (aside from the obvious sleeping together sort of thing).
I think that's the sort of redesign of my concept of friend-more than friend relationships that I'm going to have to really work on.
Dude.
Sweet.
I'm happy I found you.
Thanks for the comments. To answer your question she was still interested after talking about being poly - in fact we spent the night together and will see eachother again I think.
I was just talking to Sim about the whole 'friendship/relationship' line and it's an interesting question.
The line definitely blurs, but I think that may be temporary whilst I establish a new set of benchmarks in my head. I guess only time will tell!
I hope you keep reading.
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